sometimes when we bake, the cake would turn out ugly.

the joy of writing lies in the ability to sampaikan what we have in minds without having to have anyone judge us.Well at least we don't have to see the face or reaction of the other party and thats cool.now, lets talk about life a little bit.my life obviously, since this is my blog(see,i don't have to wait for your responses and be doubtful to go on with this conversation or not because I CANT SEE YOU)

kadang2 i think i live a life of denials. a series of denials and indecisive choices. its like this one minute i actually am glad that life is as it is and the other minute i think that i deserve more.

when i finished my studies 3 months ago, my plan was finding a job in the food industry because that's what i wanted to do. but life, twisting everything around, offer something else. the offer was in a biological form, it offers my father. my father asked me to join him in his company, an oil & gas related company.no matter how much you try, oil & gas and food industry doesnt blend in.and during that time, 3 months ago, i said to myself; what do i have to lose? i mean people are desperately finding jobs and an offer came to me.so i grab it, without too much thought.

now, here comes the story that i couldnt tell anyone face to face because it hurts me so much. one week joining my father's company, an offer came for me to work.in the city.at that time, i was happy.i was happy i make myself hear jay z ft alicia keys's state of empire all day.

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do,
Now you're in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

of course i didnt get to work in new york.pfft.it was in kuala lumpur.takkan nak tulis lirik mizz nina ft colby adonis pulakkan.-_-"

but then, life twist the story again.parents come into the picture.they say no and that means no.you see, i spend half of my 23 years away from home so my parents think its the best for me to put down the offer and consider working somewhere nearer.and at that time, being the clueless me, i didnt think much.i put the offer down.

now, when u you think about it, what kind of person after 3 weeks of finishing studies would let go an offer of building her own career?well, you just met one.the problem with me is i dislike thinking.i hate the fact that a decision must be made and not making a decision is the decision, as i recall my friend say.so i trust that everything's gonna be okay.

but then, yesterday, my conscience made a call.a wake up call.i woke up from bed thinking what if i took that job?or what if i took my supervisor's offer to do my masters?what if?there, when i do the thinking, things get messed up.so i cried.i cried out of regret, out of dissapointment to myself.what am i thinking?what had i done?ignorance's a bliss but its still stupid.kan?

so yesterday again, i spend almost the whole day thinking.what i wanna do.what i want to achieve.and yet i still don't know.and it make me cry even louder.is it just me or does everybody has the same 'feeling-lost' issue?as much as i tell people to move on, me myself, yours truly, cant.its as if i'm stuck with my older life, the life which was so simple and kind.no responsibilities, nothing.

well, i don't expect anyone(if any) to understand, this is just me pouring my heart out.like i say, this place may not going to make you feel better, but its a place to start with.and i'm starting with it.the journey to not feeling-lost.whatever that means.

p/s: if you are reading this, then thank you.you just wasted about 10 minutes(?) of your life reading about sorrow and crap.as if you dont have anything better to do or as if you've not heard enough.so i appreciate the effort.thank you.thank you.=')